Regaining Your Sexuality After Quitting Drinking

After I quit drinking, I felt like I was starting at square one when it came to dating and having sex. Most, ok ALL of my previous romantic relationships started off as a lustful attraction that would eventually lead to a drunk hookup. It usually went like this: hang out, have drinks, have amazing lusty sex, chase that fun, edgy high, and continue to casually hang out as friends with benefits until it either faded out or we made it official. Eventually, these relationships would come to an end once the high I got from that person faded away, and I was left feeling unsettled. The reality was, I was unsettled with my own self. 

It’s not called ‘liquid courage’ for nothing. There was only one way I knew how to have sex with someone new—drunk. Honestly, it was non-negotiable. There aren't many other times when you're as vulnerable as when you're giving your body to another person. Obviously, sex is physical, but it is also an exchange of two souls’ individual, unique energy. “But what if my energy isn't good enough…?” That was always my narrative that was playing in my head all those years, so I drank to shut up my brain and let my body do the driving. I also thought a good amount of my worth was connected to sex, like that’s my worth to a guy I was into. This was all very much a disconnection from myself. 

Quitting drinking allowed me to find my own, organic confidence. I found different, healthier highs to chase, like Zumba and dancing. The cool thing about Zumba is that it's a full choreographed dance routine where you are working out your muscles and your cardiovascular system. So, if you keep doing it, your muscle memory kicks in and you learn and perfect the moves, while also getting a pretty toned body. And if you go to the right class, there’s lots of ass shaking. I sucked at first, but once I got the muscle memory and was nailing moves, that was it. That shit made me feel strong, and that shit made me feel sexy. The beauty of sobriety is not the lack of something, it’s the GAIN. I was gaining a fit body, new skills, a lovely community, and best of all, confidence. The more time went on and with more sober years under my belt, my confidence kept growing.  The reason is because the longer I had to sit with my raw, true self, the more I truly got to know myself and what I actually wanted for myself and out of relationships. 

So when it comes to sober dating/hookups, much like your body in Zumba, your mind has to push through the discomfort in the beginning before things start feeling natural…  I’ll never forget the first night I turned down a hookup with someone I actually was pretty into-  I had drunkenly hooked up with him a few years back, and yea, I actually wanted to date where he only wanted to hook up. I’ll never forget reading the IG message, pausing for a few minutes, and thinking, “No, this is not what I want,” and ending it right there, not giving in to him or myself. It’s wild looking back on how hard that felt at the time—being honest with myself and communicating my needs. And when I did it once, I did it again. And again. AND AGAIN. Now, just like a Zumba dance, it just comes naturally. And I think that is when you really find your sexuality, when we feel safe and confident in our body, mind, decisions, and we can trust ourselves.